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Kangaroo Jack
"It hopped its way to big money, but left a big wad of dung in our memories. Nostalgia Critic takes a look at the madness of Kangaroo Jack". ''- Video Description'' __________________ (2017 NC intro) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it– (suddenly, he abruptly jumps up to his feet and holds up his left hand) Okay, I can't contain it, I am so excited about today's review! I can't believe we're looking over it! (holds up index finger) For the first time ever, we are going to review (takes a deep breath, then holds up a poster for the cartoon series...) Samurai Jack! (grins broadly) (Cut to a montage of images from ''Samurai Jack)'' NC (vo): I know, right? Said by many to be one of the best cartoons ever made, Samurai Jack hypnotized an entire generation with its stylized animation, surreal humor, and dramatic turns. NC: I can't believe we get to look over it today! (As he speaks, Malcolm and Tamara look at each other, perplexed. They speak silently among each other; they must know something the NC doesn't) NC: This is the greatest job in the world! So, let's (pretends to whip out a sword) whip our katana blades and get ready for action! (All the while, Malcolm and Tamara make kangaroo motions, holding up their hands in front of their chests and hopping up and down. Finally, Malcolm walks up to the NC) NC: For the first time ever, this is– (But now, Malcolm, having walked up, whispers something in NC's ear. He becomes stunned, but remains smiling. In spite of his smile, however, it is clear that he is quite upset at what Malcolm is telling him. Still smiling (and Malcolm still whispering in his ear), he slowly tears his ''Samurai Jack poster in half, wads the torn-up pieces together, and drops them on the floor. Then he slowly takes out his gun and fires several shots at the torn-up pieces of paper on the floor. Malcolm finishes whispering in NC's ear and leaves. NC nods, then closes his eyes in utter disappointment. He sits back down in his chair, unable to speak)'' NC: ...Well, that's fine, too. (The title for the movie that Malcolm was talking about, ''Kangaroo Jack, is shown, followed by the clips)'' NC (vo): Because Jerry Bruckheimer got tired of torturing his adult audiences, he finally said, "Hey! Why don't we mentally scar our children as well?" Released in 2003, this film started off as a mafia comedy geared more towards adults. The studio agreed it wasn't funny enough, though, so they drew inspiration from one of the highest comedic bars at the time, (poster of...) Snow Dogs. NC: Oh, you think I'm kidding?! I'm not kidding! NC (vo): Producers were so...impressed by the marketing campaign for Snow Dogs, that they turned this into a family-friendly animal picture. So, not only do you have an unfunny mafia comedy, but you also have an unfunny animal picture, both almost in no way connecting with each other at all. It apparently worked, though, as not only was this #1 at the box office on Martin Luther King Jr. Weekend, but it even spawned an animated sequel, (DVD cover for...) Kangaroo Jack: G'Day, USA! (Cut to the sequence from this direct-to-DVD flick, showing Kangaroo Jack himself rapping "Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J at the boxing ring, with the backup singers and all, to the shock of Jack's opponent) Kangaroo Jack: (rapping) Don't you dare stare, you better move! / Don't ever compare! NC: (slowly, to the rap music) ALL ARE PU-NI-SHED! (Back to the live-action movie) NC (vo): So, how uncomfortable is all this? I refer you back to PU-NI-SHED! NC: Let's take a look at not Samurai Jack, but...Kangaroo Jack. (The movie starts, showing the main character, Charlie Carbone, hanging out at a beach with his mother and his new stepfather, a mobster named Sal) NC (vo): We open with a flashback of our main character Charlie, whose mom begins to date...Christopher Walken? NC: Okay, I will give this movie a chance if at some point, he says, "This is not over! Kangaroos!" (A clip from ''The Country Bears is shown)'' NC (vo): He also meets his best friend Louis, who saves him from drowning in the water. (Young Louis rushes over to save Charlie from drowning, with the ''Superman theme by John Williams playing in the background)'' NC: Oh, I didn't add in that music, by the way. That is from the movie. NC (vo): You get it? Because he's...not Superman, they're playing Superman! PU-NI-SHED! NC: Okay, I'm gonna stop with that. I just had to get one more out. (We now see Charlie and Louis all grown up) NC (vo): Cut to years later, where Walken is the stepdad of Charlie, now played by Jerry O'Connell... NC: (hand on cheek) I'd pay good money if this was a Slider reality. (A poster of the ''Sliders TV show is briefly shown)'' NC (vo): ...who works under Walken and is still friends with Louis, played now by Anthony Anderson. He's still getting him into trouble, because your kid doesn't know how to drag you to good movies yet. Louis: (speaking to Charlie) If I don't get these TVs off the truck, man, I don't get paid. I need your help on this. Two hours' tops, that's all I need. This is really important. NC: Blah-blah-blah, something that'll result in a Bruckheimer chase. (Indeed, we cut to Charlie and Louis driving in their truck being chased by the police) Louis: Look out! Are you crazy?! (NC points his finger as a "Ding!" sound is heard) NC (vo): Again, this is shot a little differently for a goofy animal movie, isn't it? (The chase leads them into a large warehouse, with the police, now joined by helicopters, chasing Charlie and Louis inside on foot) Police Commander: This is the New York Police Department. Louis: Come on, girl! (The cops chase Charlie and Louis up the warehouse stairs) Let's go, let's go, let's go! NC: You're Kangaroo Jack, not Enemy of the State! (Cut to an earlier part of the chase) Charlie: Oh, no. (A fish truck crashes into a police car, causing piles of fish to fall on top of it. A clip from ''[[Godzilla|Godzilla ''(1998)]]'' is shown above the scene)'' Nick Tatopoulos (from Godzilla): That's a lot of fish. NC (vo): They get away, but not from the wrath of Walken. And if there is a God, please have this be the awkward Walken who gets a laugh like on SNL... NC: ...and not the awkward Walken who makes things stiff and uncomfortable like on SNL. (Sal meets with Charlie and Louis at his mansion) Sal: Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. NC: A little bit of both, I'll take it. Sal: You would, I have no doubt, slay the maiden and save the dragon. NC: Okay, ten bucks right now. (puts a wad of money on his table) He got that line wrong, and they kept it anyway. Sal: A lion can raise a mouse, but a mouse is still a mouse. Rob Walker (vo; imitating Walken): I knew two mice. They fell into a bucket of cream. NC (vo): And just when you think it couldn't get any goofier, hi, Michael Shannon! (Sal's lead goon, Frankie (Shannon), comes in) Frankie: (grabs Louis's ear) Do not look in that envelope under any circumstances. Understood? Louis: I can't hear you... Frankie: Understood?! NC: I swear this whole scene is just Walken and Shannon trying to out-Walken and Shannon themselves. Frankie: You'll meet a man named Mr. Smith. (brings out an envelope) You give this envelope to Mr. Smith. NC (vo; as Frankie): Not bad, huh? I really got the weird dead stare down. Rob (vo; as Sal): Yes, but I have this "weird dead stare with the finger" thing. NC (vo; as Frankie): You can't beat my dead stare! Rob (vo; as Sal): I'm still doing the finger thing! (Cut to Charlie and Louis flying on a plane to Australia) NC (vo): Sadly, that's the last of the accidental happiness, as the two of them are sent to drop off money in Australia. But look, they both try fireball candy, because... NC: (smiling blankly) I don't know. Charlie: Why is my mouth on fire? (Louis eats the candy, and doesn't feel affected) Louis: There's nothing wrong with this. Stop acting like a baby. (puts the candy in his jacket pocket) NC: Huh. We forgot to add a punchline to this. Oh, well. Get used to that. Kangaroo Jack. NC (vo): But Louis discovers 50 grand in the envelope, and they decide to try and keep it. But not before some literal bathroom humor. (Charlie and Louis talk inside the bathroom stall; their conversation is overheard by two women) Charlie: Something doesn't smell right here. Look at it! Louis: I've never seen so such green in one little brown package! Charlie: Oh! It slipped out! NC: (his hand is on his face) We're here a while, folks! Charlie: Help me scoop it up. Louis: Oh, this is one big load! Charlie: What a mess! Louis: I wanna roll around in it! Charlie: Hand me the rest of the pile. NC: What was the writing process for this like? You think they were proud when they came up with this nugget of genius? Louis: Can I hold it? Charlie: No! Dump it in the envelope. I'm gonna put it in my pocket. (We see a skit showing a writer (Malcolm) writing the script while his companion (Tamara) watches on) Malcolm: I know there's something here. I just can't crack it! Tamara: Well, you're the writer of Kramer vs. Kramer, Chinatown and The Godfather. I'm sure you can think of something. Malcolm: (gets an idea) My God. I think I've got it. Tamara: What is it? Malcolm: What if while in the bathroom, instead of talking about money, the people outside think they're talking about...poo-poo? (Tamara becomes proud and happy, and kisses Malcolm's hand) Tamara: That's brilliant! (kisses) Oh, you can do no wrong! (kisses) That's so good! (She continues kissing Malcolm's hand as he admires himself for his idea. Back to the movie, showing Charlie and Louis leaving the bathroom) Louis: Can I, at least, smell it? Charlie: Maybe later. (They see the two women who overheard their conversation; they look disgusted) Oh, no, no, no, no, no. NC (vo): Thus, Bruckheimer envisioned making an Even Stevens kid (An image of Shia LaBeouf from ''Transformers is shown)'' a millionaire with that phrase. Charlie: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (We see several moments of ''Transformers ''showing Sam Witwicky saying "No" in rapid fire) NC: Thank God it had no negative impact on him. (Images of Shia LaBeouf's mugshots over the years are shown) By God, that's a lot of mugshots. (Charlie and Louis arrive at Sydney Airport) Louis: The key is to act like you don't have anything to hide. (Louis acts like a cheerful tourist and greets a security man, giving him a high-five) '' '''Louis:' Hit 'em tough!'' (He takes a photo with him)'' G'day, mate! (gets past the security) Guard: Next, please. NC: Written by a person who has clearly never gone through customs. (Charlie and Louis begin their journey through the Australian outback to Mr. Smith. We are shown a quick montage of various Australian animals and sights, set to the song "Down Under" by Men at Work) NC (vo): Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention there's a lot of annoying editing in this movie? (Several moments of the film's fast editing are shown) Slides, wipes, zoom-ins, zoom-outs. NC: I'm not against fast editing if it's done correctly. (Footage of ''Hot Fuzz is shown)'' NC (vo): Edgar Wright, for example, uses fast editing to make the pacing feel more exciting and flow faster. (Back to ''Kangaroo Jack)'' This fast editing somehow feels dull and moves slower. How is it doing that? It's like a time machine of mediocrity. (Charlie and Louis's journey is shown through various fade-ins) NC: Was that two seconds or two hours there? It's really hard to tell! (Charlie and Louis suddenly hit a kangaroo accidentally. They look at the unconscious kangaroo, thinking it's dead) NC (vo): Hey, this film might have the right idea. It killed Kangaroo Jack before we even saw him. NC: Just like the initial trailer reactions. NC (vo): Hey, I got an idea. Let's make our main characters kind of weird and sick. (Charlie and Louis have put Charlie's glasses and Louis's jacket on the unconscious kangaroo, and are taking pictures of each other) Louis: Ooh! Say "cheese"! (takes a photo) This could be our Christmas card. NC: Next, let's find his family and do a puppet show with his corpse! (The kangaroo suddenly wakes up) NC (vo): But, of course, the kangaroo is not dead and somehow looks even faker than Ice-T in ''Tank Girl''. (The kangaroo earlier had kicked Charlie to the ground and hopped away while wearing the jacket, as the laughing Louis picks Charlie up) NC: (as Louis, chuckling) I'm just imitating what we're not hearing from the crowd right now. NC (vo): But Louis realizes the money was in the hoodie. Louis: (blubbering) The kangaroo got the money! I put the money in the jacket... (Cut to a clip from ''Titanic)'' Cal Hockley: And I put the coat on her! (Charlie and Louis are then shown chasing after the kangaroo (who will from now on be referred to as Kangaroo "Jackie Legs" Jack) on their jeep) NC (vo): So they try to chase after him, seeing if they can get it back– Shit! NC: This is the movie, isn't it? NC (vo): The rest of the film is just them chasing this damn thing! (The chase continues) Louis: Here we come, baby! Oh, we're gaining on him! (Kangaroo Jack and Charlie and Louis's jeep pass over a large gap in the desert) NC: Okay, at the most, this could pass for a... (We are shown the animation cel for ''Looney Tunes short Pop 'im Pop! ''(1950), starring Sylvester, Sylvester Jr., and Hippety Hopper the kangaroo) NC (vo): ...Sylvester and kangaroo short, the filler Rob McKimson directed when he was clearly focusing on Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. NC: But, nope. We got an hour-20 of this. NC (vo): Hell, the least you could have done is turn this into a Wile E. Coyote crossover. (We see a cartoon clip of Wile E. Coyote watching something from a large cliff. Wile E. pulls out a Photoshopped sign saying "Nope" before walking away. Back to the movie) NC (vo): They chase him for a while, but find no luck. So they stop off at a bar. (At the bar, Charlie meets a drunken man named Blue) Blue: Now there's a Yank that can drink. G'day. The name's Blue. NC (vo; as Blue): Folks around here call me the Stereotype. Blue: Nice to meet you, Chaza. NC (vo): They get a plan, though, to ask a wildlife expert, who, of course, happens to be American, hot, clean as hell, and in a Bruckheimer film, played by Estella Warren. (Louis talks with Jessie (Warren)) Louis: See, I put my lucky jacket on the back of a dead kangaroo, who came to life and then hopped off with all my money. NC: (as Estella Warren) Okay, where's my agent? (walks away) Where the hell is that coward?! NC (vo): Speaking of which, remember how this was shoehorned to be called Kangaroo Jack? Better cut to him doing something! (Kangaroo Jack is shown holding one of Louis's candies in his mouth, spinning it back and forth while his eyeballs follow, before eating it and hopping away) NC: (raises fists, smiling) We justified the title! NC (vo): Eh, to their credit, they do talk about him once. (Louis explains his plan to catch Kangaroo Jack to Charlie, while holding a tranquilizer dart) Louis: Tranquilizer dart. It works in three stages. Stage 1: Temporary blindness. Stage 2: Partial paralysis. And Stage 3: Complete shutdown of all motor skills. NC: Also the stages of watching this movie. Louis: There's this American girl that works there, and she is... (makes several flirtation sound effects) NC: (annoyed) She has tits! Christ! (We cut to Sal and Frankie meeting with each other at the mansion) NC (vo): But Walken discovers the guys are missing and sends Shannon in to find them. Frankie: Maybe they figured it out. Sal: My stepson couldn't figure out a cheese sandwich if they spotted him the pumpernickel and the provolone. NC: I think all of Walken's dialogue was comprised of dares to see if he'd actually say it. Sal: (speaking on a tape recorder) After Joey Clams got whacked, his head was amorphous. Rob (vo; as Walken): On a side note, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! (We see Charlie and Louis fail in their attempt to tranquilize Kangaroo Jack by plane, ending up with them walking in the desert) NC (vo): They ask the stereotype to fly them towards the kangaroo, but they accidentally tranquilize the pilot. They crash on the ground and decide to walk on foot, where they come across a sandstorm. Charlie: Louis! Louis: (spreads his arms) I can fly! (He is blown away by the powerful sandstorm) Charlie: Louis! I wanna go back to Brookly-y-y-y-y-y-y-yn! (gets blown away as well) Oh! NC: You may think that's not funny, but you're wrong! It's funny! NC (vo): They start seeing mirages, though, that start playing with their minds. Charlie: Louis, wait a second. I'm having another one of those mirages. And this one's a beauty. (The "mirage" Charlie is seeing is actually real: Jessie riding on a camel) NC: (as Charlie) Yeah, but this one's definitely not real. NC (vo): Estella Warren is pretending to be a wildlife expert, riding through the desert without one speck of sand on her. "Louis" (voiced by NC): Is her acting good? NC: Yes. "Louis": Definitely not her! Charlie: How are you doing? Jessie: Good. You? Charlie: Good. (Thinking Jessie is a mirage, Charlie begins touching and massaging her breasts) NC: (normal) Did I mention that in G'Day, USA, he also directs his own movie? (We see a clip of ''Kangaroo Jack: G'Day, USA, showing Charlie and Louis being directed to do a scene by Jackie Legs)'' Jackie Legs (Animated): No, no, no! I'm not feeling it, people. NC: So many kid-friendly similarities between these two! (After that moment, Jessie knocks Charlie out cold with her canteen, causing Charlie to have a dream where he meets Kangaroo Jack, now talking and voiced by Adam Garcia) NC (vo): And no joke: Immediately after groping her, we cut to the kangaroo rapping. Kangaroo Jack: Nice! Charlie: You can talk! (Kangaroo Jack starts rapping and dancing to "Rapper's Delight" by Sugarhill Gang) Kangaroo Jack: (rapping) I said a hip, hop / The hippie, the hippie / To the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock / To the bang, bang boogie... NC: Because, again, your five-year-old should really connect those two scenes together! (Those two aforementioned scenes are shown above NC) NC (vo): Aren't you glad when they rewind it back to watch this scene again, they'll always see this right before it? NC: Thanks, family-friendly Bruckheimer! Kangaroo Jack: You see, I am Jackie Legs, and I'd like to say "Hello". NC: You'll be happy to know this is Hell's soundtrack, 24/7. I know, I got a copy right here. (brings out a CD titled "Hell's Soundtrack") It's literally just that over and over and over. (The tracklist contains the same song name, "Kangaroo Jack Sings Hip-hop") NC (vo): As if that wasn't enough nightmare fuel, how about Christopher Walken's voice coming out of that thing? (Charlie sees a group of kangaroos dancing with money falling down; one of the kangaroos suddenly talks in Sal's voice) Sal (Kangaroo): If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money? I ask you to do something for me. This is not that! NC: This was the moment when parents were checking their popcorn to make sure it wasn't laced with ecstasy. NC (vo): Still not freaky enough? How about we just randomly have them chant "Chicken blood"?* (*Note: This was actually a call-back to Sal's "a lion can raise a mouse" speech, which ended with the phrase "chicken blood".) NC: Oh, yeah! (pause) That's a thing! (Kangaroo Jack, Sal, and Louis in his own kangaroo form, all look at Charlie) Louis (Kangaroo): Chicken blood! Sal: Chicken blood! Kangaroo Jack: Oy! Chicken blood! Kangaroo Jack, Sal and Louis: Chicken blood, chicken blood, chicken blood! (While chanting "Chicken blood", all three kangaroos wave their fingers and approach the camera. NC becomes scared as that exact moment repeats) NC: I consider myself a reasonably strong person, but I'm not gonna lie...kangaroos waving their fingers chanting "Chicken blood" is kind of breaking me! NC (vo): I don't know who was beaten as a child to bring this scene to us, but it's breaking me! Kangaroo Jack, Sal and Louis: Chicken blood, chicken blood, chicken blood! (The scene repeats) Chicken blood, chicken blood, chicken blood! NC: (freaked out) Okay! I think I need a break to remind myself what species I am. Please excuse me while I go and swim in a puddle of my own tears! (He gets up and leaves, as we again hear the kangaroos chanting) Kangaroo Jack, Sal and Louis: Chicken blood, chicken blood, chicken blood! NC: OH, GOD! STOP! (And we go to a commercial. When we come back, we see Charlie wake up from his dream) NC (vo): So it's revealed that this nightmare fuel is actually a nightmare. (Clips from the trailer are shown) But that won't stop advertisers from putting it in every trailer, making every kid think it's about a rapping kangaroo! Kangaroo Jack: (rapping) I said a hip, hop / The hippie, the hippie / To the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock / To the bang, bang boogie... NC: Please, what do you think this is? The Titanic? (We see the infamous rapping dog from ''Titanic: The Legend Goes On)'' (Jessie, having taken Charlie and Louis to a safe spot, gives Charlie a bottle) Jessie: Drink this. It'll bring down the swelling. Unfortunately, it'll also make your testicles fall off. (Charlie and Louis spit out the water in disgust upon hearing that) NC: Did I also mention he goes water-skiing? (Another clip from ''Kangaroo Jack: G'Day, USA is shown, showing Kangaroo Jack water-skiing)'' Child-friendly fun for all! (Charlie approaches Jessie) Charlie: Knock-knock. (Jessie jokingly protects her breasts) Very funny. Jessie: Can't be too careful. NC: That's right, boys watching. You grab a woman's breasts, they'll totally have a good sense of humor about it! They're fairly back about that kind of stuff. (Cut to Charlie, Louis and Jessie riding camels in the desert) NC (vo): But I know what you're thinking: Nothing could possibly top the bathroom scene from earlier. Well, I'm happy to say we get to witness the pure genius of camel farting. NC: Oh, you think I'm joking? You DARE think I make that up?! Play that shit! (The camels start farting loudly) Charlie: Oh, come on! Oh, oh! Jessie: Get used to that, boys. Camels do that. NC: And again, we're here for a while, folks! (The camels continue farting, grossing Charlie and Louis out. We go back to Malcolm admiring his writing skill, while Tamara continues to praise him by kissing his hand) Tamara: Oh! Say those heavenly words again! Malcolm: Camels farting. (Tamara squeals in delight and resumes kissing Malcolm's hand. Back to the movie. One camel lets out one long fart) Charlie: Oh! Oh! What is with these camels? NC: You know, somewhere, a kid is watching ''Inside Out'' for the first time right now. (A tearjerker scene from ''Inside Out is shown above NC)'' What an unlucky son of a bitch. We have farting camels! NC (vo): Emotional development, intellectual understanding, great humor... NC: Nope! Farting camels! We cracked it! NC (vo): We know what's good for your kid! Thy name is farting camels! NC: Please...do not thank us. (An image of a school is shown) Let your summer schools do that. We're giving them a lot of business. NC (vo): They do finally come across the kangaroo, but Warren insists they need to disguise themselves to hide their scent. (The trio are shown wearing Native Australian makeup on their faces, while Charlie and Louis don't have their shirts on) Thank God kangaroos can't smell stupid. (Louis, however, inadvertently foils their attempt to catch Kangaroo Jack by screaming loudly, because ants have crawled into his pants) NC (vo): But fire ants munch on Louis, because, you know, this movie didn't have enough annoying sounds. Louis: Get off me! Get off me! (takes his pants off) I'm gonna roll in the grass! NC: A dingo ate his funny. (We see Charlie and Jessie relaxing next to a waterfall) NC (vo): Well, at least this leads to a family-friendly shower scene. Charlie: I was gonna take a bath. Jessie: Come near me, I'll kill you. Charlie: So nervous. (moves closer to Jessie) Jessie: You have absolutely no effect on me. You could kiss me right now, and it wouldn't make the slightest... (Charlie kisses Jessie) NC: Remember, kids: Assertiveness, force, no difference. (The caption, "Assertiveness = Force" is shown) Charlie: Nothing? Jessie: No. Sorry. NC (vo; as Jessie): Well, we literally met by you grabbing my tits, and you're ignoring my threats of violence against you. NC: I don't know why that would be! NC (vo; normal): But like most of the jokes in this movie, she was just playing hard to get. However, things take a serious turn when the gangsters catch them. (The trio are captured and interrogated by Mr. Smith, played by Marton Csokas) Mr. Smith: Now there are two ways of doing this. And one of them's a lot less painful than the other. NC: (as Mr. Smith) One is fast-forwarding the movie, the other is letting it play out. You can guess which one is which. NC (vo): They escape, though, leading to Kangaroo Jack Insert #20. (Kangaroo Jack is shown trying one of Louis's fireball candies. The taste causes his mouth to burn and he hops off in pain) NC: Huh. Funny how no people... NC (vo): ...are in that scene. Almost like it was added in after they realized they weren't making a real film. NC: Which is a shame. I was really curious about the Joker and Harley scenes. (Charlie and Louis are shown confronting Mr. Smith while holding a gun) NC (vo): They rescue Warren by making a threat that, honestly, I don't fully follow. Mr. Smith: What do you do for a living that makes you so brave, Charlie? Charlie: I'm a hairdresser. Now drop the knife. (Mr. Smith drops his knife. NC is confused) NC: Why did that work? Do they think he has scissorhands? (Frankie and his goons suddenly appear and confronts everybody) NC (vo): But Michael Shannon arrives to make things even more complicated. Frankie: Sal's very disappointed to hear you lost that money. Charlie: We'll get the money back. Frankie: It's too late for that, Charlie. Mr. Smith: We had a contract, and it didn't involve no bloody roo. Frankie: (turning to face Mr. Smith) I had to come all the way down to the sphincter of the galaxy to straighten out this puked-up furball of a mess. Do not agitate me. Mr. Smith: We had a contract... Frankie: Do not agitate me! NC: Okay, I am 100% convinced they did not tell them the name of this movie. NC (vo): They were probably told it was called "Death Down Under" or "Devil in the Outback". If they were told that this movie was called Kangaroo Jack, they'd be like... (NC, mimicking one of the gangsters, drops his gun) NC: Oh, shit. I mean, I can just do this then. (makes a gun shape with his hand) Right? Right? NC (vo): But the kangaroo does show up, resulting in a wild...roo chase. (Louis, riding on his camel, manages to retrieve the money from Kangaroo Jack) Louis: I got it! (Louis suddenly falls off a cliff, where he dangles for his life) NC: This will have a slight redemption if it goes the Thelma & Louise route. (That famous image of Thelma & Louise's car flying off the cliff is shown) NC (vo): Charlie saves him from the fake backdrop, but Shannon gets the drop on them, revealing the real reason why they were dropping off the money. (Frankie holds his gun at Charlie and Louis) Frankie: What do you think he was paying Smith 50 grand for? Louis: You mean we traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution? Frankie: Pretty clever, eh? NC: Super clever. You know how many times they used to do that in The Sopranos? Australia-sassination, they used to call it. So overused. (Before Frankie can kill Charlie and Louis, a police helicopter suddenly appears) NC: Surprised they couldn't hear that. NC (vo): The cops arrest Shannon, but Louis is blown away that Charlie saved his life. Charlie: So now we're even. Louis: You don't owe me anymore. You're rid of me. Charlie: What are you talking about I'm rid of you? Louis: Come on, Charlie. Guilt was the glue that held this friendship together. NC: It is the only way we kept the crew on this movie. Charlie: You're wrong, Louis. I've always needed you. NC: (as Charlie) I need someone to share the shame on this picture. (Charlie, Louis and Jessie see Kangaroo Jack, with his mate and child alongside him) NC (vo): Oh, and look. Kangaroo Jack has a family. They're gonna make the most beautiful wallets. (Kangaroo Jack's son kicks Charlie in the face, knocking him to the ground, before hopping away with his parents) NC (vo): Yes, because even the movie has to remind itself it's called Kangaroo Jack. NC: No, no! It verbalizes that! (As the movie is about to end, we see Kangaroo Jack, again wearing the jacket and talking) Kangaroo Jack: Wait a minute! The movie is called Kangaroo Jack. It should end with me! (jump cut) And I can do impersonations. (cut to him imitating Dr. Evil) Come on, people. Throw me a friggin' bone. NC: (whimpering) Come for me, Jesus. (Lastly, we see Kangaroo Jack at the ending logo of the ''Looney Tunes cartoons)'' Kangaroo Jack: (imitating Porky Pig) Bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh...that's all, blokes! (The movie ends) NC: Well, I'll give that ending this. (brings out a gun) It makes target practice a lot easier. (shoots the gun, blowing Kangaroo Jack's head off) This movie was awful! (Clips of the movie play out as NC goes to his closing thought) NC (vo): It was clearly a bad thing sloppily turned into an even worse thing. A part of me wishes they stuck with the original version. Oh, hell the "part". ALL of me wishes they stuck with the original version! I’m sure it was bad, but at least that had Walken and Shannon yukking it up a bit. This movie, as is, just hurts. It was dumb, it was painful, it was a big pile of kangaroo dung. Hop as far away from this as possible. NC: Well, thank God the next big review I'm gonna do is of a much better movie. The Green Mile! That's right, one of Stephen King's best films. I gotta admit, I was a little confused when I heard that Ryan Reynolds was in it, and that he plays, uh, a superhero of some kind. (As NC speaks, Malcolm and Tamara look at each other again, confused, before Malcolm approaches NC) I don't understand that part myself, but what are you gonna do? So, get ready for... (Malcolm whispers to NC what he's really reviewing next, annoying NC) OH, COME ON–!! (The credits roll) Channel Awesome Tagline -'' '''Kangaroo Jack:' Chicken blood! Kangaroo Jack, Sal and Louis: Chicken blood, chicken blood, chicken blood! Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic Category:Warner Bros Category:Content Category:Guides